Over… Under… or can I just be whelmed??

So I have to many things I’d like to blog about. I can’t decide. And it’s been way to long. Please help unblock my writer’s block. Suggest stuff I should blog about. No topic is too taboo, which should surprise no one

Literature

I feel like the books i have set to myself to read say a lot about me. What that is though, I’m not sure. So maybe if I list the books that I am going to be reading the next year or so (it’s a long list) people can tell me what my choices say about me.

All the books listed I own, I just have not read. 8 of them are ones that I am currently reading (denoted by *), though I think that in itself says something about me. Have a good laugh at the randomness and give your opinion.

1. Alice in Wonderland/Through the looking-glass by Lewis Carroll*

2. Dracula by Bram Stoker*

3. Sons of Providence: The Brown brothers, Slave trade and the American Revolution by Charles Rappleye* (historical analysis. synopsis)

4. Poe: Major tales and poems*

5.The Great Poems of the Bible by James L. Kugel (18 Bible poems and a historical/cultural/spiritual analysis by the author)

6. Les Miserables by Victor Hugo*

7. Tales from the 1001 nights*

8.  Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson

9. Persuasion by Jane Austen

10. Out of the silent planet by CS Lewis

11. Frankenstein by Mary Shelly

12. Walden by Henry David Thoreau

13. Civil disobedience by Henry David Thoreau

14. Stone of tears by Terry Goodkind (sci-fi/fantasy/nerd)

15. In the courts of the crimson kings by SM Sterling (sci-fi/nerd)

16. Treasures of Islam by Bernard O’Kane (Art history)

17.Returning: A spiritual journey by Dan Wakefield (autobiography)

18. Common Sense by Thomas Paine

19. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

20. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

21. Fyodor Dostoevsky: Short works

22. Great Irish Tales of Horror

23.The horse and his boy by CS Lewis

24. The Lion, the witch and the wardrobe by CS Lewis

25. Magician’s nephew by CS Lewis

26. Sophie’s world: A Novel about the History of Philosophy by Jostein Gaarder

27. Things fall apart by Chinua Achabe

28. Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck

29. Prince Caspian by CS Lewis

30. CS Lewis Signature classics, which contains…

1. Mere Christianity*

2. Screwtape Letters

3. Abolition of Man

4. Great Divorce

5. Problem of Pain

6. Miracles

7. A grief observed

Private First Class

Little sister. I’ve never been so proud of you and scared for you. This journey that you’ve started promises to be one full of adventure, accomplishment and self discovery. What you are doing and where you are is exactly where you were always meant to be…. it just took some time for you to figure it out. Sometimes I wonder if you really know what you’re in for. I know you’re an adult but I still feel the need to protect and shelter you. I’m sorry. it’s just a big sister thing. I want to keep you from all harm. I never want you to be in danger, but that’s part of the job isn’t it? Though, I know it’s more than a job. You are one of the people protecting my freedom. Funny how I want to protect you, but it’s you who’s protecting me. It makes me swell with pride. I love telling people how my lil’ sister is in the Army. Despite what I may believe about war and weapons, I couldn’t be prouder of you. I see commercials for the Armed Forces and I smile a little, knowing they’re talking about you. You and I are such different people. You amaze me with your gifts and talents. Also, seeing you in uniform is weird and funny at the same time. The rebel of the two of us is now working for the man and has to to everything someone tells her. This makes me giggle. But all in all, i couldn’t be happier or prouder. I miss you and I love you

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Not so near death experience

Ok, so I’ve never had a true near death experience. But I think sometimes we all have things that happen to us that scare  us enough to put things in perspective. I wouldn’t use the cliché of having “the fear of God put into you”. That is reserved for moments where God Himself allows us to see how mighty and powerful He is. But I definitely had one of those experiences today that made me realize I worry about stupid crap. Driving down Arlington Ave today my car hood suddenly flies open and goes all the way up and smashes my windshield. Seriously, scariest thing that has ever happened to me. Thanks God I wasn’t on the freeway and was able to get over to the side of the road without incident. But suddenly not being able to see when I’m driving 50 MPH could have ended a lot worse. Thankfully I didn’t freak and slam on the brakes or swerve, which could have caused an accident. Yeah, maybe im overreacting and freaking out but it was frightening.

So…. what’s your near death or even not so near death experience??

Ruts-R-Us

The saying “You don’t know how good you have it ’til it’s gone” never really meant much to me. I may have experienced it in life a few times on very small levels. Currently, I could honestly say “You never know how BAD you have it ’til it’s gone.” In all reality shouldn’t we be able to say that more often?? One would think that people would be striving to eliminate negative situations and people in their lives. More so than doing things to make life difficult. Oh, I know, sin is ever present in this world and causes pain and suffering. And that , spiritually, life in a series of valleys and mountaintops. Still, it seems that we get stuck in  ruts and are too lazy, scared, stressed, etc. to pull ourselves out of them. Now some ruts are just ruts…. habits and  tendencies that have no real affect on our lives. Conversely, Some ruts are deeply emotionally, physically and spiritually damaging. Why do we allow ourselves to stay in those ruts?! We know we’re being damaged and that if we just climb out life would be so much better. Our excuses for staying in that place are unique for all of us. I know my lame excuses are usually based in fear.

Recently, I climbed out of a rut. Oddly, this was one of those ruts i didn’t realize I was in. Because it involved family it was a rut and a bad situation that I had simply not seen and grown used to. In all honesty, I was unaware of how bad the situation was. Oh, i knew it was not the best, but it was what seemed “normal” to me. Thanks to the grace of God, several of my friends saw how truly bad the situation was. They talked to me about it and made me realize how what seemed normal to me was in reality a situation that i needed to remove myself from. I have now moved out of the house in with amazing friends. After 2 weeks i realize just how bad living with family was. Stress, anger and fear that i didn’t realize I had (or maybe had just grown used to?) is simply gone. I feel more alive and happy. It truly is a wonderful feeling to get out of a rut and to move upwards and onwards in life.

Now unfortunately, there are plenty of ruts iv’e been in that I was aware of and had to fight myself to get out of. There are too many to count really. Hopefully I can remember how i feel right now when I have to climb out of another rut.

parenting…..

I’d eventually like to have kids. Part of me worries i’ll end up being a horrible parent simply because of the example that has been set for me. As a note to myself i’m going to listen things i shouldn’t do as a parent. In quite a few years i’ll come back and re-read this to remind myself….

1. don’t hit your kids

2. don’t yell at your kids

3. don’t react in anger. cool off then punish

4. don’t throw things at them… vacuums, shoes, food, toys, video tapes, etc

5. don’t  tell them they’re worthless. this includes how you treat them and via snide comments

6. never call them dumb, stupid, moronic, idiot, brainless, retarded, or any other form thereof

7.never have double standards or favor one child over the other

8. don’t tell them to help around the house and then not do anything yourself

9. don’t tell them that what they feel is wrong. you can’t change how they feel or choose their feeling for them

10. let them make their own decisions. if you dont when they become adults they won’t be able to function

11. once they’re 18 grounding isn’t an option. it’s now called holding someone against their will and can land you in jail

12. don’t allow them to drink in your house if under 21

13. instead of belittling and judging how your child is different from you, encourage and appreciate it. they’re not going to be your mini me no matter what you do

14. treat you child as a fellow person, not as someone who belongs to oyu and must do everything you want.

15. when your child becomes an adult treat them as such. would you talk to them and act that way towards your friends? if the answer is no don’t treat your kid like that

Victimless

Your fists my face, tears and bruises mingle
Selfish actions, in despair I’m left
Your words all burn, slowly i die inside

How did i become a Victim?
How did I become your Victim?

Inside this prison left to rot
Your anger, my fear
No love, no compassion
Unseen chains hold me here

When did i become a Victim?
When did i become your Victim?

You’ve abused your power over me
God’s power, it frees me from your hold
In Him set free, no longer Victim

I’m set free, break free
Not your victim
I am not a Victim

Beer. That is all

So I’m a beer lover. I’m also tired of people mistaking a love of beer for being an alcoholic. Just because I like beer, trying new beers and having discussions about beer does not mean I have a drinking problem. There are people who do the same with wine and no one automatically assumes they’re an alchie.

I have been drunk, once. And that one time was completely on accident. Also, I was drinking wine, not beer, when this happened. Lemme just give you all a tip: drinking while in a spa means you don’t know how far gone you are til you get out.

Anyway, beer. Yes beer. I drink because I like the taste. My current favorite is a double chocolate malt. Yes, PMSing ladies you heard me correctly… chocolate beer. Just like with wine you can choose a beer to fit with a meal you are having. There are crappy quality beers and there are excellent quality beers.

I do not drink for the affect. At the point where I start to feel the alcohol i stop drinking. I never drive while under the influence. I never drink in order to feel better or relax.

Stop assuming that just because I like beer that i’m an alcoholic. Thank you. Oh, have a laugh……

I almost feel bad for not crying…. almost

So at 22 I’m experiencing the first death of someone related to me. Well not really, my maternal gma died when I was 5 so I don’t remember much. I guess this is the first death of a relation I can remember. My mom called the house earlier and let Colleen and myself know that our father’s dad died.

Oddly enough, seeing as I’m a very emotionally able person, I can’t work up any emotion over this. As much as my father and I don’t get along (understatement much?)  I do feel sad for his loss. But that’s it.

I mean, how do you mourn someone you don’t know? When I was about 6 or 7 my paternal grandparents decided they disliked my mom so much that they cut of communication with our family. Their dislike of her was so strong they didn’t even try to keep in touch with their grandkids. It’s almost as if they hated our mom more than they loved us. Even as I write this I feel like this fact should make me angry. But after 17 years it’s a moot point. I accepted years ago that they just weren’t part of my life. Maybe if they had cut us out of their lives when I was older I would feel hurt by this. I really can’t say their actions hurt me since I have no memories of them.

I feel like I’m expected to be sad over this. Yet, how am I going to feel sad when it feels like ive been told that it’s someone else’s  grandfather who died?  Yes, it’s always sad when someone dies. Especially when they leave behind family.

I’m not cold and heartless. There’s just no relationship that exsists between him and I for me to mourn the loss of.